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Hands off our boobs: A letter to Jamie Oliver

21/3/2016

61 Comments

 
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Dear Jamie Oliver,

We know you’re getting it in the neck at the moment. Everyone’s saying you’ve got no right to tell women about breastfeeding, just because you’ve never done it, and you don’t have boobs, or any real authority to comment on the subject whatsoever.

But we’re on your side, Jamie! Ever since you told us how to shove a lemon up a chicken’s backside, we’ve trusted that you know the right way to handle raw breasts. In fact, we’d also love to know Greg Wallace’s views on co-sleeping, and we’d happily leave the decision about whether to have a home or hospital birth up to Ainsley Harriott. (Although we’ve heard quite enough on the subject of placentas from Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, thanks very much.)

So don’t listen to the haters. There’s just not enough pressure on women these days. If there’s one thing we need, it’s more men telling us what we’re doing wrong - and that it will have terrible consequences. You go, guy!

Jools must be so proud. What wife wouldn’t love her husband talking about other women’s tits in the national media? In the name of equality, perhaps she could start speaking out on erectile dysfunction. Or maybe she could go on Loose Women and demonstrate how men ought to shave their balls?

Anyway, Jamie, seeing as you’re so keen to dole out advice, we thought it might be nice to return the favour. So here’s some top tips on how to live YOUR life, from the Scummy Mummies!

1 Just use a stock cube

Seriously, why are you still bothering to boil up whole chickens and shit? Just get some Knorr in.

2 Blondes have more fun

We hope you don't mind if we talk about your body, but we’re not sure about what you've done with your hair. Brunette does suit you, and it says you're serious about woman's health issues, and sugar. But to be honest, we preferred it when you had blonde highlights, and went round riding a moped and banging on about pukka pesto, instead of our milkshakes.

3 Screw 15 minute meals - try 90 seconds!

We appreciate your efforts to invent quick and easy recipes for us busy mums - but it with all this breastfeeding you want us to do, it can be hard to even find 15 minutes! Try keeping it even simpler. Ketchup on toast makes an ideal dinner, or jazz it up with some microwaved fish fingers. In fact, with summer coming, why bother cooking them? “Here you are darling, Captain Birdseye sashimi!”

4 Look at the bigger picture

It was great to see you so happy about the Tories introducing a tax on fizzy drinks. Sure, it’ll save the NHS loads of money. But think about it like this - all our teeth are going to fall out anyway, because in a few years there won’t BE any NHS, and all the dentists will have moved to Canada with the junior doctors! Ha ha ha.

5 Calm down, dear

In all honesty, Jamie, we do love your work, and we know your heart is in the right place. We believe you when you say you never meant to make anyone feel bad. But we are worried you’re taking on a bit too much. Books, restaurants, telly shows, and now all this campaigning…

As mums, we know the more you try to do at once, the worse everything gets. Ever tried to cook dinner while breastfeeding, wiping a toddler’s bottom, dealing with the plumber, and combing out nits? That’s right - you end up with breastmilk soup for tea, and poo all over the walls. At least the plumber ends up lice-free. Anyway, Jamie, stick to what you’re good at - banoffee pie and baba ganoush - and stop worrying about our bangers!

Well, there you go - hope you don’t mind the barrage of unwanted advice on subjects we know little of and are totally unqualified to speak about. Loving your work!
Lots of love,

The Scummy Mummies xxx

A new episode of The Scummy Mummies Podcast is released every fortnight - listen free via scummymummies.com or  iTunes. We're on Facebook and Twitter - @scummymummies. ​​

61 Comments

Mother's Day - What Does it Mean to You?

4/3/2016

10 Comments

 
​Ah, Mother's Day. The joy of awakening to breakfast in bed, flowers, a pile of gifts in pastel-coloured wrapping paper, and an array of lovingly homemade cards.
 
That's the Instagram version, anyway. In reality, the best most of us can hope for is a cup of tea and a box of Ferrero Rocher. And while homemade cards are lovely, those online photos never show the kitchen covered in Pritt Stick and glitter.   
 
So what does Mother's Day mean to you? The Scummy Mummies asked some of their favourite writers, authors and podcast guests to share their thoughts.
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Bryony Gordon, Telegraph columnist, author of The Wrong Knickers and mother of one
Episode 42: Sex, Drugs and Mr Tumble
​

"For my first Mother's Day, almost three years ago, I got a mug bearing the legend 'SLUMMY MUMMY' on it. I like to give it to blokes who come round and watch them look embarrassed as they drink their tea. Last year, I think I got a wilted daffodil in the SLUMMY MUMMY mug. This year, who know what mug-related joys I can expect... Perhaps my daughter will 'accidentally' smash it, which would be a gift in itself."

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​Steve Hill, stay-at-home dad, journalist and father of one
Episode 22: Father's Day Special
 
"It's just another made-up day, like Christmas and Easter, that involves pissing away money on pointless cards and gifts. Falling on a Sunday, it also involves being dragged away from the sanctuary of Sky Sports in order to "do something nice." What I want to know is: when is there going to be a Father's Day?"

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Nurse Jessie, health visitor and lecturer, mother of two
Episode ​8: Boobs Special
Episode 19: Discipline Special

 
"Mother's Day reminds me of the little things that I enjoy about being a mum, daughter, grand-daughter, and to celebrate the link through generations. Also, flowers (but preferably not cutesy teddy bears.)"

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​Dawn Isaac, garden designer, author of 100 Things to do Outside and 100 Things to do on a Rainy Day, and mother of three
Episode 32: Gardening Special
 
"Mother's Day means eight hours of guilt-free gardening. And guilt-free anything in motherhood is a rare and delicious pleasure.  Plus, of course I get breakfast in bed – and a selection of homemade cards. And they HAVE to be homemade. The day I get a shop-bought one I am resigning. On the spot."

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Clemmie Hooper, midwife, writer and mother of four
Gas and Air Blog
Episode 14:Pregnancy Special
 
"I remember, when I was 10, asking my mum why there wasn't a children's day in the year. She declared, "Every day is children's day!" Now I can see how all-consuming being a mother is, often without much recognition. I'm trying to base my mothering on the wonderful Marmee from Little Women - who never loses her temper or misses anything, and protects her daughters while allowing to learn from their own mistakes.
 
"So next time I'm checking one daughter's bottom for worms, attempting to sound interested in the other one's Vikings project, and trying to remember which twin last fed on which boob - I'll think of that question I asked my mother, realise how unintentionally selfish children are, and that they won't get it till they become mothers themselves. But to be honest, I'm not even sure I get it now." 

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Stuart Heritage, Guardian columnist and father of one 
Man with a Pram
Episode 35: Fatherhood, X-Factor and Nigella's Toilet
​Episode 56: ​Mr and Mrs Special


"Now that I'm a parent, Mother's Day means that I have to buy a present for my wife, three weeks after Valentine's Day and three weeks before Easter. All I do is buy that bloody woman presents now, and we'll be destitute soon because of it, and I hope she's grateful."

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​Carolyn Robertson, author of Two Dads and Two Mums and a Menagerie, and mother of two
Sparkly Poo Blog 
Episode 41: LGBT Adoption Special  
 
"As a Mum to two adopted boys, Mother’s day is double-edged. On the one hand I feel proud and happy to be a mum, and on the other I spare a thought for our boys' birth mums, who haven’t had the opportunity to see these lovely little fellas thrive. I also wonder how it makes our boys feel inside. It’s not the most comfortable day for our family."

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Helen McGinn, wine expert, author of The Knackered Mother's Wine Club and mother of three
Knackered Mother's Wine Clug Blog
Episode 28: Wine Special 
Episode 53: Best of the Summer Wine Special

 
"For me, Mother’s Day means a cup of tea in bed, a few homemade cards, cooking lunch for my mum, and us not having to do the washing up. Also: champagne, always."

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​Scummy Mummy Helen
 
"For me, Mother's Day does not bring many surprises. My darling children love to tell me in advance what ALL my presents are, so I know I will be opening a Terry's Chocolate Orange this Sunday, and reading 'I luv you Mummy xxx' on a Sainsbury's card. I don't actually like surprises, but I do like chocolate, so I am thrilled.
 
"I always like to spend some time on Mother's Day thinking about how I became a mum - that special night when I went to the pub, then came home and shagged a handsome 31 year-old. Now that's a tradition I'd like to recreate every year." 

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Scummy Mummy Ellie
 
"This Mother's Day, I am driving an excitable Australian on a 200 mile round trip to perform jokes about tits and nappies in a cafe in Stroud. Weirdly, I can think of few more enjoyable ways to spend the day."
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Come and see us live, this Mother's Day! Sunday 6 March, 4pm at the Black Book Cafe. Get your tickets now!

A new episode of The Scummy Mummies Podcast is released every fortnight - listen free via scummymummies.com or  iTunes. We're on Facebook and Twitter - @scummymummies. ​​
10 Comments

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