It's official: Christmas is fucked. Black Friday has ruined it by sending us all into a frenzy, convinced we must buy loads of crap NOW NOW NOW because it says so on the internet. Whatever happened to writing a nice list of thoughtfully chosen presents? Then losing that list, and spending 24 December in John Lewis, panic buying socks and candles? That's the real spirit of Christmas.
 
Let's be honest - once you're a grown-up, it's not about the presents anyway. It's about watching telly, eating ham by the kilo and drinking Baileys by the pint. I have enough pashminas and hand cream to last me until I'm dead. I'm not sure how much warmer and moister I can get.
 
So frankly, Black Friday can go in the bin. Here's what I really want for Christmas - no fistfights in Argos required.
 
1. My kids to flush the toilet.
Truly, it would be a Christmas miracle to go into the loo and see no evidence of previous use.   
 
2. To watch a film.
I'd like to get through one whole movie without being interrupted, or falling asleep and waking up on a cushion covered in drool as the credits roll.
 
3. Sleep.
What I wouldn't give for a full night's shut-eye. And, for an extra stocking filler, to wake up with a bacon sandwich, in SILENCE.
 
4. Sex.
Proper sex. Before midnight. While sober.
 
5. Health.
I'd love it for everyone in my house to remain free of nits, colds and disease for the entire festive season. If this isn't possible, I'd be happy if people just used tissues for their own noses.
 
6. A bath.
A nice long one, with no visitors who think it's fun to hop in and do a wee on my leg. If you really want to spoil me, I'd like to do a solo poo, without observers, commentary, or anyone asking how long I'm going to be.
 
7. Not to feel like I live with Jay Rayner and A. A. Gill.
Just once, I'd like to make and serve an entire meal without anyone complaining about the taste, ingredients, temperature, colour, or the fact their plate features Elsa instead of Anna. And I'd like to consume my own food without once having to leave my chair, or give myself indigestion by speed eating.   
 
8. Better shoe management.
I'd swap every present under the tree for a promise that my husband will never leave his shoes in front of the sofa EVER AGAIN. And just once, I'd like my kids to respond to the instruction "Put your shoes on" by actually putting their shoes on. WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD?
                                                                  
9. Supermarket
It would be great to go to the supermarket without anyone having a breakdown (me) or a tantrum (the kids.) (All right, me as well.)
 
10. To drink ALL THE WINE.
And wake up in January.
 
So what's on your Christmas list?

Helen writes:
 
Parenthood changes your relationship with your partner in so many ways. Don't focus on the loss of your carefree romantic lifestyle - think about what you're gaining. Who needs sex and laughter when you've got fish fingers and fighting?
 
Sure, before kids, you were free to stay out till dawn, have sex whenever you felt like it, and eat an entire meal without anyone shouting at anyone else to stop putting peas up their nose. But now you'll find new ways to express your feelings for each other, like angry texts, whispered swearing, and poking each other in the middle of the night until SOMEONE GETS THE BABY.
 
Then there's breastfeeding. If my husband came within three metres of my milk jugs, I would politely say, "Don't you even THINK about touching my tits," then fix him with a death stare until he backed slowly out of the room. Just the right way to create a romantic atmosphere.  
 
Now our children are a bit older, we've decided to rekindle our relationship by going out on some dates. It's just like old times! Except totally different. Here's what I've learned so far about having an AWESOME date night, post-kids.
 
Leave The House Relaxed

Try to make sure you kids are tired and in peak tantrum mode when you head out for the night. Nothing sets the tone for the evening than a four year-old screaming, "NOOOO! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE MUMMY DON'T GOOOOOOOOOOO!" Everyone will feel relaxed and ready to party.
 
Wear Something Special

Show you've made an effort by wearing an item of clothing with only one bodily fluid on it. Or ring the changes by picking something you haven't worn for a few years that no longer fits. Don't worry if you haven't had a shower for a few days - just freshen up with an entire can of Batiste, and a squirt from a bottle of CKone that went off in 2009.
 
Be Hungry For It

It's best to go on a date when you are starving. Your blood sugar will be low, and you will resort to raw animal instincts, like growling. This is great for creating an intimate atmosphere.
 
Play Hard To Get

There's nothing sexy about appearing too interested. Keep your phone to hand at all times and don't be afraid to send a few work emails, check Facebook, and reply to that text from your friend about where to buy nit combs. Better still, take a selfie and post it on Instagram to tell everyone you're having a great night out, while totally ignoring your partner.
 
Find The Perfect Spot

Getting through challenges brings couples closer, so pick a restaurant that has inadequate parking, terrible reviews on TripAdvisor, and is closed. Make sure you wear ill-fitting heels in preparation for the 20 minute trudge round local streets before you give up and go to Wetherspoons.
 
Put Sex On The Menu

It's a special night, so go heavy on the red wine, but don't forget to line your stomach with tons of carbs and starch. This will start the bloating process, and enhance the sensation of exhaustion you were experiencing before you even left the house. Sexy times!
 
Keep The Conversation Flowing

This is an opportunity for you to chat about things you never get the chance to discuss at home, like that unpaid Council Tax bill, or what you really think of each other's family. Honesty can be a real aphrodisiac, so add a bit of spice to the conversation by starting sentences with the phrase, "Do you know what really fucks me off?"
 
Do It Fast And Hard
Add an exciting frisson of urgency to your date by employing an extortionately expensive babysitter who has to be home by 10pm. There's nothing like scoffing your food so fast you get indigestion and making a mad dash for the last train to make you feel aroused.

Slip Between The Sheets

After all that build-up, it's great to get home, get into bed, and get down to the thing you've been looking forward to all evening - SLEEP.

Dear Kate Winslet, 

​This is a difficult letter to write. I've always been a fan of yours - I mean, I never had a Titanic poster on the wall or anything, but as far as people pretending to be other people goes, I reckon you're pretty good at it. I assume you're a nice person, and judging by your recent comments, I think you're quite a sensitive one. So please forgive me when I say this: FUCK OFF.  
 
Specifically, please can you fuck off with your suggestion that talking about how women earn less than men is "vulgar". Throughout history, people have used this word to try to put us in our place; to demean us for doing something as daring as wearing trousers, or asking for the vote, or having periods, or telling jokes, or saying that we're not totally keen on female genital mutilation.
 
And now here go us bloody women again, asking not to be taxed for not having a penis. OUT LOUD! You're right, Kate, it's not "a very nice conversation to have publicly". We should all sit down in the privacy of our own homes and write polite letters to all the politicians and captains of industry. We will quietly explain that we'd quite like equal pay, if that's alright, but please don't tell anyone we mentioned it. That will definitely sort things out.
 
Oh Kate, I do understand when you say things like, "I'm quite happy with how things are ticking along." Yes, because you are a millionaire Hollywood superstar, apparently living in 1952. These days, everyone talks about money - even the Prime Minister! He's always banging on about how we have to tighten our belts, unless they're solid gold because we're already massively rich. Actually, I think you and he would get on.
 
I know you find talking about sexism "uncomfortable", and that it's not something you've had a problem with: "If I'd ever been in that situation I would have either dealt with it or removed myself from it... I haven’t ever felt that I’ve really had to stick up for myself just because I’m a woman." Here's the thing, Kate: these pesky sexists are so blimmin' crafty that sometimes, they don't even tell you they're being sexist!
 
No, really! They might NOT ring you up and go, "Hello love, just to let you know you're getting $4m less than Leo for the boat film, because of your tits." They might NOT record and send you a copy of their conversation about how you're too old for their movie, even though they've already signed up George Clooney, Sean Connery, and a guy who's been dead for 30 years. Sometimes, Kate, people are sexist behind your back. Which makes it a bit difficult to stick up for yourself.
 
But if you reckon you've never been discriminated against, knowingly or unknowingly, then brilliant! Good for you. The thing is, though, I'm not sure everyone else has definitely had the same experience. There are literally millions of women complaining about sexism in the workplace, and I know this sounds bonkers, but I don't think they're all making it up.  
 
I'd better draw this letter to a close, because Jeeves is probably already waving the smelling salts under your nose. But while we're here, I might as well tell you a few other home truths. I'm sorry if you also find these statements vulgar and uncomfortable, but you'd find out sometime anyway.
 
1. Some people are racist.  
2. Looking after small children is boring.
3. Even the Queen does shits.
 
All the best, Kate - I hope you continue to enjoy a successful and sexism-free career. But when it comes to telling the rest of us what we're allowed to complain about, as I say, do fuck off.
 
Love,
 
Ellie X  

Fancy some more feminism? Check out our podcast episodes with Suzanne Moore and
Abigail Burdess.
​
A new episode of The Scummy Mummies Podcast is released every fortnight - listen free via scummymummies.com or  iTunes. We're on Facebook and Twitter - @scummymummies.

 Helen writes:

​This week the BBC finally reported something about my home country, Australia, that didn't involve sharks, beer, or a koala stuck in a tree. It was the triumph of Michelle Payne, the first female jockey to win the Melbourne Cup.
 
And not only was her ride impressive, her victory speech was a knockout. She boldly announced that those chauvinists who think women aren't good enough can, quite simply, "Get stuffed."
 
This is a phrase that just isn't used enough these days. It's got such a brilliant earthiness and a fair-dinkum punch that I think we should bring it back, right now.
 
So, inspired by the bloody top woman that is Michelle Payne, here are all the things about parenthood that make me feel like I'm not quite good enough, and which can GET STUFFED.
 
1. A Clean House For Play-Dates
"Oh no! The girls are coming over for coffee - I better get up at 5am to bleach the toilet and hand-make some quinoa truffles!" Fuck this shit. Anyone who gives a toss if there's Lego all over the floor can go in the bin. The good people won't care, and the best people will say, "Oh, this makes me feel better about my own shithole." These are the keepers.
 
2. Ironing
Unless there is an actual emergency - like a job interview, or your mother-in-law is coming over from Australia - put your ironing board away, people. The kids won't care if their jeans are a bit crumpled, and if you have a baby, all your clothes will be covered in snot and porridge by 9am anyway.
 
3. Perfect Homemade Cakes
Look, I feel your pain. Just the other week I was up until 2am creating a fondant unicorn oasis that Paul Hollywood would have described as "a bit elaborate." 12 hours later, I watched a group of six-year-olds rip it to shreds in under a minute. All kids care about is the quantity of Smarties and the volume of icing. In fact, why not just stick a few candles in a bag of granulated sugar?
 
4. Matching Socks
This issue is a controversial one in my house, by which I mean we have almost been divorced over it several times. IT DOESN'T MATTER if your socks don't match! Who cares? Sanity is more important. [Ellie writes: This is totally incorrect. Socks that don't match make you feel funny all day. Sorry, Helen, but both your husband and I are leaving you.]
 
5. Perfect Date Nights
Everyone knows we're supposed to have these great evenings where we don't talk about the kids and have amazing sex. But that's not the reality, is it? Funny how there are all those photos on Facebook of candlelit dinners, but none of the couple in question having a row about the unpaid council tax bill then passing out on the hotel bed. Let's be honest, even the best date nights are comprised of at least 25 per cent parental admin chat and bickering. And frankly, you can do that at home over curry and a box set.
 
6. Hair Brushing
Just as sweets are classified as a 'sometimes' food, brushing hair is a 'sometimes' activity. Obviously that doesn't mean letting the kids grow their own dreadlocks, but does it really matter if they leave the house with a bit of a birds-nesty look occasionally?
 
7. Creative Meals
There's no need to spend hours creating Picassos out of peas and potatoes. If your kids will only eat a few things, give yourself a break. It's OK to feed them fish fingers twice in a row. And don't compare yourself to the woman at the Giraffe Cafe in Blackheath whose children were asking for the quinoa salad - she wasn't real, it was just an apparition, because you are so tired.
 
8. Relative-Induced Guilt
One of the hardest things to deal with is the feelings of guilt that can arise from talking to your well-meaning parents and in-laws, who "didn't do it like that in our day." Sure, it comes from a good place, sometimes, but SOMETIMES IT DOESN'T. Guilt can GET STUFFED.
 
9. Being Everyone's BEST FRIEND
When your kids start school or nursery, the number of new potential friends and social gatherings can be overwhelming. It's good to be polite and friendly, but you don't have to be everyone's best mate. Remember, your time is precious. What would you rather do, have a pint with that old drinking buddy you haven't seen since your twenties, or sit in a Cafe Nero with someone you barely know talking about house prices?
 
10. Feeling Like You And Your Kids Are Not Normal
This is one of the great anxieties of parenting. Is what your kids are into normal? What about what they eat? Or the fact they like singing Gangnam Style at the top of their voice on the number 75 to Sydenham? Worrying about what's normal can leave you feeling isolated and crappy. But here's the thing: there IS no normal. What's normal for you is normal, and better still, you are amazing.