Let's be honest - once you're a grown-up, it's not about the presents anyway. It's about watching telly, eating ham by the kilo and drinking Baileys by the pint. I have enough pashminas and hand cream to last me until I'm dead. I'm not sure how much warmer and moister I can get.
So frankly, Black Friday can go in the bin. Here's what I really want for Christmas - no fistfights in Argos required.
1. My kids to flush the toilet.
Truly, it would be a Christmas miracle to go into the loo and see no evidence of previous use.
2. To watch a film.
I'd like to get through one whole movie without being interrupted, or falling asleep and waking up on a cushion covered in drool as the credits roll.
What I wouldn't give for a full night's shut-eye. And, for an extra stocking filler, to wake up with a bacon sandwich, in SILENCE.
Proper sex. Before midnight. While sober.
I'd love it for everyone in my house to remain free of nits, colds and disease for the entire festive season. If this isn't possible, I'd be happy if people just used tissues for their own noses.
6. A bath.
A nice long one, with no visitors who think it's fun to hop in and do a wee on my leg. If you really want to spoil me, I'd like to do a solo poo, without observers, commentary, or anyone asking how long I'm going to be.
7. Not to feel like I live with Jay Rayner and A. A. Gill.
Just once, I'd like to make and serve an entire meal without anyone complaining about the taste, ingredients, temperature, colour, or the fact their plate features Elsa instead of Anna. And I'd like to consume my own food without once having to leave my chair, or give myself indigestion by speed eating.
8. Better shoe management.
I'd swap every present under the tree for a promise that my husband will never leave his shoes in front of the sofa EVER AGAIN. And just once, I'd like my kids to respond to the instruction "Put your shoes on" by actually putting their shoes on. WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD?
It would be great to go to the supermarket without anyone having a breakdown (me) or a tantrum (the kids.) (All right, me as well.)
10. To drink ALL THE WINE.
And wake up in January.
So what's on your Christmas list?
We are performing our Scummy Mummies Christmas Show on Saturday 5 December. It's at the Amersham Arms, New Cross, 7.30pm. Early Bird tickets only £6. Buy tickets now.