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How To Be A Great Working Mum

28/12/2015

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Juggling motherhood and a career can be tough, according to every article about juggling motherhood and a career ever. This is also the subject of new Meryl Streep movie Ricki and the Flash. But it's important to remember that being a parent can have its advantages in the workplace. If you thought you were good at multi-tasking before you had kids, just wait till you have to combine board meetings and spreadsheets with breastfeeding, nappy changing, and nits.
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Here's the Scummy Mummies guide to how to make the most of your newfound parenting skills at work.  
 
Simplify That Morning Routine
 
Being a parent forces you to prioritise what's important at the start of the day. It can be a struggle to achieve the perfect blow dry and flawless make-up while trying to persuade a toddler to eat his breakfast instead of the remote control, and wiping poo off the radiator. The smart mum knows it's easier to hide that unwashed hair under a hat, such a stylish beret. Or solve two problems at once with a sombrero - it will balance out those dark circles, so there's no need for all that Yves Saint Laurent Touche Eclat. Which you can't afford any more anyway, because of the nanny.
 
Be Fashion Forward
 
Parenting provides the perfect opportunity to overhaul your personal style by exploring the world of accessories. Brooches, scarves, and giant necklaces are great for covering snot stains. They also act as a distraction, drawing your colleagues' attention away from the Weetabix stuck to your bottom.
 
Save Time In Meetings
 
Now you're a parent you don't have time to waste, but you do have ways to move things along. If you ever need to bring a boring work conversation to an end, just start showing the person pictures of your kids. You can also shut down meetings pretty quickly by talking about your suspected prolapse.
 
Planned Parenthood  
 
As a parent, you learn to be a master of scheduling. It's not just meetings and conference calls - you're also keeping track of ballet lessons and school plays, while factoring in time to do the supermarket shop, and fight with your husband. Show off about how busy you are by buying an expensive, leather-bound family planner with 28 individually tabbed sections. It will make you look super-organised and competent for those two weeks before you lose it, the dog eats it, or the kids set fire to it.
 
Caffeine Is King
 
People without kids often just see coffee as a drink. The rest of us understand it is the elixir of life. You will develop an encyclopedic knowledge of every Costa Coffe and Caffe Nero within 500 metres of the office. You will know exactly how many Nespresso pods are in the office kitchen at any moment. Your colleagues will ensure the stock is regularly topped up, because no one wants a repeat of the day you were found weeping under the sink, threatening to punch everyone in the face.
 
Treat Colleagues Like Toddlers
 
If a workmate is disagreeing with you, use your the same voice you use on your kids to explain calmly but authorititavely why they're talking shit. Encourage your subordinates to hit deadlines by telling them to get the work done by the time you count to three. Putting colleagues on the naughty step is probably taking it too far, but there's nothing wrong with rewarding a job well done with a Wow card and a packet of chocolate buttons.
 
Prioritise After-Work Socialising
 
Now you're going straight home after work to see the kids, you can feel smug every morning when your workmates turn up hungover, complaining about how that cheeky pint turned into an all-nighter. They don't know you sank an entire bottle of Sauvignon blanc between bedtime and passing out on the sofa at 9.30pm.
 
Save up all your after-work alcohol units for those big occasions. There's nothing like spending the work Christmas party telling all your colleagues what's wrong with your marriage,  or informing the keynote speaker at that important conference that you haven't had sex for six months.
 
Accept The Mess
 
The truth is, trying to be a great working mother is bloody hard. You'll always struggle to stay calm in the face of tantrums, fighting, generally unreasonable behaviour, and no one ever flushing the toilet - and then you have to deal with it all again when you get home. Accept the fact you'll never be a perfect mother or a faultless colleague, and that life is always going to be messy. Pour yourself another glass of wine and rest assured that just like everyone else, you're doing the best job you can. 

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This post was inspired by the movie Ricki and the Flash, which stars Meryl Streep and her daughter, Mamie Gummer. Mezza plays Ricki Rendazzo, a rock and roll star who finds it difficult to balance following her professional dreams with raising a family. It's got some weepy moments and some great one-liners, and it's a fab film for a mum's night in.

Ricki and the Flash is out on Blu-ray and DVD on 28 December. 

A new episode of The Scummy Mummies Podcast is released every fortnight - listen free via scummymummies.com or  iTunes. We're on Facebook and Twitter - @scummymummies. 
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Merry Christmas from the Scummy Mummies

23/12/2015

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Merry Christmas! We're taking a break from blogging this week, but you can hear us getting all festive with our Christmas podcast, below. And if you're a new listener, why not check out our Christmas podcasts from 2013 and 2014? 

Thank you to everyone who has listened to us bang on this year! We hope you have an amazing Christmas and a fantastic New Year. 

Love the Scummy Mummies xxx
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Happy Christmess: Celebrating the slothful joys of December

18/12/2015

1 Comment

 
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Helen writes:
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Hooray, it's nearly Christmas! Time to dig out those elastic-waisted trousers and dive into excess. Put your salad in the bin and cover your greens in butter. Rejoice in the mountains of mince pies, the pints of Baileys, and the sides of gammon bigger than your own head. Silence that mid-morning tummy rumble with an entire packet of After Eights, and let's wobble all the way to the 25th!
 
And don't feel guilty about it - you need to keep your energy up. For parents, December is a multi-event assault course. There's the sprint from work to the Nativity play, then the childcare relay race so Daddy can make the office party, followed by hurdling the Post Office queue, climbing the wall of shoppers in Sainsbury's, and the marathon run home to catch that three-minute window for the John Lewis delivery. When it comes to exercise, there's nothing more motivating than thinking about what will happen if you fail to take possession of that Lego Millennium Falcon.
 
The fact is, there is something truly wonderful about having a whole month to indulge in life's joys - specifically, the joys of food, wine, laughing, and sitting down. Sure, I like swapping fairly useless presents as much as the next person, but for me the real miracle of Christmas is the pleasure you get from sharing piles of guilt-free food with friends and loved ones.
 
In my house, the whole of December is a delicious mess - like Eton mess, but with twice as much cream. So, as a proud Scummy Mummy, I have decided this season needs a new name: Christmess. The laundry doesn't get done, the floor doesn't get swept, the bathtime routine goes out the window, and bedtime is negotiable. But we are happy, sat on the sofa in a sugar-induced coma, watching the Strictly final, cuddling, and smiling. What could be better than that? Merry Christmess to all the scummy parents of the world. 

A new episode of The Scummy Mummies Podcast is released every fortnight - listen free via scummymummies.com or  iTunes. We're on Facebook and Twitter - @scummymummies. Merry Christmas! ​
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The Scummy Mummies Luxury Gift Guide

11/12/2015

2 Comments

 
​Christmas is a time for treating the ones you love to a bit of luxury. And what could be more luxurious than losing your womb lining every 28 days? Not pistachio nuts, crocodile meat, bingo or flapjacks - these are all classed as essential items by the government, and exempt from VAT. Unlike tampons and sanitary towels, of course! So we've put together a range of festive feminine hygiene products to make this Christmas extra special. 

Luxury Hamper
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​Forget smoked salmon, forget champagne - here's the ultimate in luxury, a hamper stuffed with tampons and sanitary pads. Move over, Fortnum & Mason!

​Padmina
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​Never mind that cashmere wrap you were coveting - the padmina is soft, warm, AND absorbent. Oh, the opulence! 

Liberty Print Sanitary Towel
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​Because who wouldn't want to bleed on a William Morris? The beauty is in the lavish detailing - for example, the wings are made from swans' feathers. Nothing like a bit of down for your downstairs. 

​Mufflinks
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Men can be difficult to buy gifts for, but now that problem is solved with these elegant mufflinks. Perfect for that Christmas party or job interview!

A new episode of The Scummy Mummies Podcast is released every fortnight - listen free via scummymummies.com or  iTunes. We're on Facebook and Twitter - @scummymummies. Merry Christmas! ​
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