Anyway, if I sound different (jollier) and more like my old self (bitchier) this week, it's because I am, because I have HAD SOME SLEEP!
Here's the thing: cranial osteopathy WORKS. At least, it's working for us. Last week I took Joe to see Jo Mitchell at the Sunflower Centre in Brockley. We had a long chat about his birth (two months early, emergency Caesarean, head stuck for ten minutes.) I might have cried a bit.
Then Jo put her hands on various parts of my baby's body and... Did whatever it is cranial osteopaths do. I'm still not totally sure, to be honest.
Joe seemed to like it and eventually passed out. But he started screaming as we left the centre, and didn't really stop till we put him down in his Moses basket a few hours later.
'Oh well,' I thought, 'It was worth a try.'
He slept for five hours straight. The longest stretch he had ever managed.
I say "had", because the next night he slept for seven hours. SEVEN. Thus I achieved my goal of sleeping for more hours than there are members of One Direction (which recently became more attainable obvs.)
I felt amazing the next day. It was as if I'd been underwater for months, submerged beneath waves of tiredness, but I had broken the surface and taken a huge gulp of fresh air. I felt like I could swim an ocean or climb a mountain. I settled for loading the dishwasher and returning the library books we borrowed the week before Joe was born, which is basically the same.
It didn't last, of course: Joe switched to a two-hourly wake-up cycle that night, and by the end of the week he was back to pulling all-nighters. I emailed Jo, trying to sound positive ("Sorry to bother, just wondering, is this normal?") rather than desperate ("Oh God please help you fixed my baby and now I think I've broken him again please help me argh.")
Yes, said Jo, it's normal, and we've made a good start. So we returned to the centre for a second session - and that night, Joe slept for five hours. And the night after that. And the night after that.
Last night... Not so much. But now a bad night means waking up every two hours, instead of never going to sleep at all. And I'm optimistic that next week's appointment with Jo will put us back on track.
It's changed everything. I don't worry about crashing our new car because I'm so tired. I'm not afraid to agree to meet people for coffee in case I'm too exhausted to make it on the day. Some nights, I don't even go to bed until half-past eight.
So now, based on nothing more than my own anecdotal experience (I'd love to hear others), I am a huge fan of cranial osteopathy. I think everyone should have it. Not just babies but tired mums, creaky old people, perfectly well people, small dogs that won't stop yapping, Nigel Farage.
And I think it should be available on the NHS. That's the kicker - it isn't, and it's not cheap. I estimate I'll probably end up spending the equivalent of a family weekend away on Joe's treatment. Frankly, I'd give up two weeks in the Bahamas in exchange for a year of decent sleep.
But I know that isn't an option for everyone. So thanks to the reader who told me about the Osteopathic Centre for Children, which operates on a pay-what-you-can basis.
I'm sticking with Jo, though, because she is amazing and wonderful and has kind eyes the colour of the Aegean that make me feel like everything's going to be alright. Basically, she's turned my baby off and on again. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but whatever she does is working. Now I can sleep and breathe and smile, and best of all, my baby can too.