We know you’re getting it in the neck at the moment. Everyone’s saying you’ve got no right to tell women about breastfeeding, just because you’ve never done it, and you don’t have boobs, or any real authority to comment on the subject whatsoever.
But we’re on your side, Jamie! Ever since you told us how to shove a lemon up a chicken’s backside, we’ve trusted that you know the right way to handle raw breasts. In fact, we’d also love to know Greg Wallace’s views on co-sleeping, and we’d happily leave the decision about whether to have a home or hospital birth up to Ainsley Harriott. (Although we’ve heard quite enough on the subject of placentas from Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, thanks very much.)
So don’t listen to the haters. There’s just not enough pressure on women these days. If there’s one thing we need, it’s more men telling us what we’re doing wrong - and that it will have terrible consequences. You go, guy!
Jools must be so proud. What wife wouldn’t love her husband talking about other women’s tits in the national media? In the name of equality, perhaps she could start speaking out on erectile dysfunction. Or maybe she could go on Loose Women and demonstrate how men ought to shave their balls?
Anyway, Jamie, seeing as you’re so keen to dole out advice, we thought it might be nice to return the favour. So here’s some top tips on how to live YOUR life, from the Scummy Mummies!
1 Just use a stock cube
Seriously, why are you still bothering to boil up whole chickens and shit? Just get some Knorr in.
2 Blondes have more fun
We hope you don't mind if we talk about your body, but we’re not sure about what you've done with your hair. Brunette does suit you, and it says you're serious about woman's health issues, and sugar. But to be honest, we preferred it when you had blonde highlights, and went round riding a moped and banging on about pukka pesto, instead of our milkshakes.
3 Screw 15 minute meals - try 90 seconds!
We appreciate your efforts to invent quick and easy recipes for us busy mums - but it with all this breastfeeding you want us to do, it can be hard to even find 15 minutes! Try keeping it even simpler. Ketchup on toast makes an ideal dinner, or jazz it up with some microwaved fish fingers. In fact, with summer coming, why bother cooking them? “Here you are darling, Captain Birdseye sashimi!”
4 Look at the bigger picture
It was great to see you so happy about the Tories introducing a tax on fizzy drinks. Sure, it’ll save the NHS loads of money. But think about it like this - all our teeth are going to fall out anyway, because in a few years there won’t BE any NHS, and all the dentists will have moved to Canada with the junior doctors! Ha ha ha.
5 Calm down, dear
In all honesty, Jamie, we do love your work, and we know your heart is in the right place. We believe you when you say you never meant to make anyone feel bad. But we are worried you’re taking on a bit too much. Books, restaurants, telly shows, and now all this campaigning…
As mums, we know the more you try to do at once, the worse everything gets. Ever tried to cook dinner while breastfeeding, wiping a toddler’s bottom, dealing with the plumber, and combing out nits? That’s right - you end up with breastmilk soup for tea, and poo all over the walls. At least the plumber ends up lice-free. Anyway, Jamie, stick to what you’re good at - banoffee pie and baba ganoush - and stop worrying about our bangers!
Well, there you go - hope you don’t mind the barrage of unwanted advice on subjects we know little of and are totally unqualified to speak about. Loving your work!
Lots of love,
The Scummy Mummies xxx