The Scummy Mummies' sons started school this week. It's all new for Ellie, who has some clear ideas about how she will manage the whole thing. But having done it before with her eldest child, Helen is here to provide a reality check...
| Ellie says: My child will be on time for school every day. We will be standing at the gates five minutes before they open, having a lovely calm chat with the other parents. I will be wearing a freshly pressed Breton top and mascara. | Helen says: Incorrect. Success is getting out of the door without shouting and with shoes on. You will arrive at the school gates with seconds to spare, huffing and puffing, still wearing your pyjamas, with half a Weetabix stuck to your bum. |
| Ellie: My child will be dressed in neatly ironed matching co-ordinates every day, including the relevant pair of days-of-the-week pants. | Helen: Good luck with that. By half-term, you'll be congratulating yourself if your child is wearing a pair of trousers without a hole in, and has pants on at all. |
| Ellie says: I will be a valuable member of the school community, manning the tombola at the fête, preparing delicious trays of frangipane for bake sales, and making bunting. | Helen says: You will turn up for the bake sale two hours late, hungover and clutching a packet of Hob Nobs. |
| Ellie says: I will maintain a well-stocked art cupboard, ready to lovingly handcraft a wide variety of costumes for the Nativity, Book Week, Multicultural Day etc. | Helen says: You will fail to provide a single costume that was not made the day before with the help of Amazon Prime and old sheet. |
| Ellie: I look forward to relaxing, sophisticated evenings with my new mum friends, discussing the novels we're currently reading over a bottle of wine. | Helen: Actually, mums' nights out are a highlight of having a child at school. But forget the book group and the Merlot. You'll have more fun drinking cocktails and going dancing, scabbing a fag off the DJ and passing it round while talking about who is fitter - the bloke who comes in for the football coaching or the hipster dad with the nice bottom. |
| Ellie: Blimey. It will be alright, won't it? | Helen: Yes. The first year of school is a big step for everybody and it can take a bit of getting used to. But you'll make new friends, learn new things, have lots of laughs, and enjoy watching your child take their first steps into the world. Plus, you now have more time to piss about on Facebook and watch Judge Judy. Hurrah! |
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