Now, obviously, Valentine's Day is a capitalist construct designed to promote and galvanise the patriarchal hierarchy, but that shouldn't stop us celebrating it, according to our wives.
So we've put together some gift ideas for the modern man.
Make An Effort
Make sure you're nice and relaxed for your Valentine's Day by treating yourself to a "man"icure. Glittery beards are all the rage now, but why not stop there? Stick some fairy lights in your man bun, or get a manjazzle.
If you're looking for a gift that keeps on giving, why not buy her a mooncup? This will show you understand about periods, and care about bleeding, but also the environment.
Forget fresh blooms - they're hugely expensive, unless you can pick your own from your allotment, or someone else's. Women love baking, so why not go for actual flour? For extra romance, we'd choose spelt.
Chocolate body paint is so nineties, and hey, it's no good if you're vegan. Why not try hummus? It's perfect for playing our fave boudoir game, "Dick Tease With Chick Peas". This is also an ideal opportunity for a quick round of "Hide The Breadstick".